I remember laying there
Looking at this picture on the wall
There were two or three
But this one, my focus had it all
It had a beautifully painted sunset
That easily flowed into a shore line
And in the middle of that dream scenery
There was a sail boat
And I found myself focusing on that picture
Wanting to be there
And it didn’t matter where it was
It was somewhere
Just Not there
I wanted to be somewhere so far
That the scene where I was wouldn’t even be large enough to paint a picture of
I tried to etch that into my mind
I tried to float away in time
But then I felt what was mine being sucked from me
And it took my breath away
So I grabbed at the hand that held mine
As I contracted on the inside
And tried to sit up
But was told to
lay down there on your back and try to relax
it was soon over
And I took one more glimpse at that room
And I took one more glance at the sail boat
Wanting that to be my mental picture
Wanting to pretend that’s where I spent my afternoon
Wanting to think nothing of that room
And I wanted to think nothing of that day
I wanted to be on that boat sailing away
Or better yet I wanted to go home and sleep it all away
But as I left they said, that I needed to stay awake
No don’t go home and lay in bed
“Even though that’s what you want” they said
You keep your head up instead
And of course I did what I was told
I went home and stayed awake
And I can remember that stupid picture on the wall
But I cant even remember if I cried at all
I became this hollow little shell
I sank into this empty little hell
Where nothing you could do from there on out
Would hurt me or effect me I was hardened
I was numb
Emotionless, I just moved on
Not dealing with what had taken place
Not even thinking of whether I had made a mistake
I went about life like nothing ever happened
I would hear preachers talk about forgiveness
But What for?
You could call me what you want but I didn’t identify
With that word abort
Only traces of things were left in my memory
Like when the dr confirmed what I was afraid of
And he told me how far along I was
That’s the only fact I knew about you
And then I remember reading this little sheet
That said what a baby is like at however many weeks
And when I found out that your heart
Had its own little beat
It took the wind from underneath my feet
And For some reason I didn’t think at all
That you might be forming up
Because you were just so small
I thought since it was such an easy process
That you weren’t really real, I guess
There will never be an excuse I can make
But i let myself be deceived by a snake
That whispered in my ear all these lies
That tomorrow would be better
Without you in my life
That with you id be nothing
That if I kept you I could give you nothing
And I bought into it with everything I had
And I wont even attempt to say that I feel so “bad”
And baby when I thought about the things I had lost
The ability to hear you, then see you, then hold you
and smell your little head
to every night tuck you in a bed
to raise you…all that lost
I realized it and I couldn’t bare the pain I felt
And thinking that I would now be permanently all alone
I just couldn’t do it on my own
And even though I had already asked for forgiveness
I didn’t quite grasp the depth of this
And I broke down before my God
I couldn’t go on living that way
thinking how much I wanted and needed you with me every day
I tortured myself thinking what did I give up
Who would you have been when you grew up
and as undeserving as I was
I really needed my saviors love
And as I say this my heart weaps
But because of God I got back up on my feet
He has brought me down a crazy path
To finding myself without you
To a place where I can live and be a testimony
To a place where I can know you do forgive me
In this place I can speak of you and be happy
In this place I am alright because I know along with god
You create my light
And I miss you angel more than you even know
And no you didn’t have to go
It was a choice that I made
But I thank God every day
For taking a terrible mistake
And turning it around for something good
And now I finally understood.
as I remember that picture on the wall
Maybe there is a reason I wished to be there after all
Because In my life day to day,
I picture you in paradise
On that sail boat
Sailing away