Sail Away

01/26/2019

I remember laying there

Looking at this picture on the wall

There were two or three 

But this one, my focus had it all

It had a beautifully painted sunset

That easily flowed into a shore line

And in the middle of that dream scenery

There was a sail boat

And I found myself focusing on that picture

Wanting to be there

And it didn’t matter where it was

It was somewhere

Just Not there

I wanted to be somewhere so far

That the scene where I was wouldn’t even be large enough to paint a picture of

I tried to etch that into my mind

I tried to float away in time

But then I felt what was mine being sucked from me

And it took my breath away 

So I grabbed at the hand that held mine

As I contracted on the inside

And tried to sit up

But was told to

lay down there on your back and try to relax

it was soon over

And I took one more glimpse at that room

And I took one more glance at the sail boat

Wanting that to be my mental picture

Wanting to pretend that’s where I spent my afternoon

Wanting to think nothing of that room

And I wanted to think nothing of that day

I wanted to be on that boat sailing away

Or better yet I wanted to go home and sleep it all away 

But as I left they said, that I needed to stay awake

No don’t go home and lay in bed 

“Even though that’s what you want” they said

You keep your head up instead

And of course I did what I was told

I went home and stayed awake

And I can remember that stupid picture on the wall

But I cant even remember if I cried at all 

I became this hollow little shell 

I sank into this empty little hell

Where nothing you could do from there on out

Would hurt me or effect me I was hardened

I was numb

Emotionless, I just moved on

Not dealing with what had taken place

Not even thinking of whether I had made a mistake

I went about life like nothing ever happened

I would hear preachers talk about forgiveness

But What for?

You could call me what you want but I didn’t identify

With that word abort

Only traces of things were left in my memory

Like when the dr confirmed what I was afraid of

And he told me how far along I was

That’s the only fact I knew about you

And then I remember reading this little sheet

That said what a baby is like at however many weeks

And when I found out that your heart 

Had its own little beat

It took the wind from underneath my feet

And For some reason I didn’t think at all

That you might be forming up

Because you were just so small

I thought since it was such an easy process

That you weren’t really real, I guess

There will never be an excuse I can make

But i let myself be deceived by a snake

That whispered in my ear all these lies

That tomorrow would be better 

Without you in my life

That with you id be nothing

That if I kept you I could give you nothing

And I bought into it with everything I had

And I wont even attempt to say that I feel so “bad”

And baby when I thought about the things I had lost

The ability to hear you, then see you, then hold you 

and smell your little head

to every night tuck you in a bed

to raise you…all that lost

I realized it and I couldn’t bare the pain I felt

And thinking that I would now be permanently all alone

I just couldn’t do it on my own

And even though I had already asked for forgiveness

I didn’t quite grasp the depth of this

And I broke down before my God 

I couldn’t go on living that way

thinking how much I wanted and needed you with me every day

I tortured myself thinking what did I give up

Who would you have been when you grew up

and as undeserving as I was

I really needed my saviors love

And as I say this my heart weaps

But because of God I got back up on my feet

He has brought me down a crazy path

To finding myself without you 

To a place where I can live and be a testimony

To a place where I can know you do forgive me

In this place I can speak of you and be happy

In this place I am alright because I know along with god

You create my light

And I miss you angel more than you even know 

And no you didn’t have to go

It was a choice that I made

But I thank God every day

For taking a terrible mistake

And turning it around for something good

And now I finally understood.

as I remember that picture on the wall

Maybe there is a reason I wished to be there after all

Because In my life day to day, 

I picture you in paradise

On that sail boat

Sailing away

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