So here is the thing, I am a “new mom” of a beautiful baby girl. But to be honest, when I found out that I was having a girl I bawled. For one I had finally let go of control and went forward into starting a family and mainly because of all of the confirmation I got, pointed to a little baby boy. I just knew I would have boys and then maybe I would try for a girl, maybe. I had three very strong boy names picked out and I talked to my daughter like she was a boy for 12 weeks. So I was sad when I found out. It was just not what I expected and also because I felt like I had no vision for a girl.
Everything that I had been looking at was boy stuff so then guilt came into play and I felt like I had betrayed my daughter.
Truly I was happy to be pregnant and thrilled she was healthy and when I found out she was a girl I wasn’t angry, it was more shock that led to the tears. Plus embarrassment because we had made some pretty confident declarations about the sex of this child.
So then I went through a few phases to get to the place where I no longer felt bad. I did what I had to do; I got on Pinterest.
I deleted all of the boy stuff that I had pinned and I cried as I let go of that Dream. My husband was mad because he thought that I was torturing myself. But as soon as I was finished I opened up a new board and began to pin girl stuff. Once I had vision for her I Was thrilled and no longer felt bad. I also apologized to my belly for calling her a boy that whole time. Within 24 hrs we had locked down her name, which I had played with in the past considering maybe our fourth child would be a girl. But I had to think whether I really liked it or not and I did. I loved her name, I loved her, I always had.
So what was that all about. I have nieces that I am absolutely obsessed with. And although my favorite color is blue it was never really about blue over pink. I have also nannied in the past for multiple years. And I have had bad boys and bad girls, and I have also had really awesome boys and really awesome girls. So why had I decided that I would have boys?
I always said I wanted the chance to raise boys to be men because the world needs more real men out there.
And I still do believe in that and I do hope that in the future I have the opportunity to do so but there was more to it than that.
Because the same could go for young women, there aren’t enough young women in the world that are secure in who they are in Christ and living a life to fully pursue him. And I am now so thrilled to have the chance to raise up this beautiful little girl to know that she is a treasure and she is worthy of all of the goodness that God has for her.
But there was this piece that I was afraid to explore, there was this deep rooted fear somewhere inside of me. I had to know what it was because there was this little girl that was on the way and I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to talk to God about what this was on the inside.
And after praying and listening I realized I was afraid of the vast emotions that she is bound to experience. I was afraid of what I knew I went through. Now I know that my daughter will not have to experience most of the pain that I did because I had a father that abandoned me and my daughter has a father that would do anything for her. I remember looking at my daughter and she is 6 months old; my dad actually tried to be around for me, unlike for my other siblings and still by the time I was her age he had left. I can’t imagine leaving that little girl. I am thankful beyond measure that I don't have to worry about her dad ever leaving.
I see her watch him as he walks in and out of the room and I can't help but feel this pang of pain thinking of me at her age looking around the room for my dad. This is pain I endured that she never will but past the pain for me there was so much more. I was messy, I was complicated, I was brooding with thoughts, emotions and opinions. But the scariest part is even though my mom was my best friend and I knew I could tell her anything I still didn't. And that scares me.
I was afraid to have this beautiful little girl and someday stand outside of her door hearing her cry and have no idea why or what I could do about it. Boys just seemed so much more simple to deal with and if all else failed I could send them to have manly talk with their dad.
I felt fortunate that I survived and by the Grace of God became the woman that I am today but I guess I doubted my ability to duplicate that.
Here I am afraid of something that is so far down the road but I have trained myself to think long term and so inevitably I think about those things. I knew that I would be a good mother, because I knew my natural instincts would kick in and then my overwhelming love would pick up when that failed. But when it came to helping a girl bloom and become a secure woman I struggled. I didn’t want to have to deal with her having her heart broken by some stupid boy or be betrayed by some mean girls. I didn’t want to watch her go through the transition of thinking she is the best thing since sliced bread to her body changing and her thoughts about herself changing. I was scared that if I told her to never compare herself to others that maybe she wouldn’t listen and she would let the differences that I celebrate in her make her dislike herself.
Mostly I was afraid of the conversations that I would need to have, and being afraid of telling her too much or telling her too little. I was afraid that I would not knot how to love her through the critical moments in her life when she begins to get the freedom to make choices. Because those choices begin to develop character and I just want her to be who I know she should be. And then I was afraid to think that maybe I would expect too much from her and that pressure would hurt her in some way.
So there I was just wrapped up in all of the thoughts of what the future held for this little girl and I wondered if I was up to the task.
I don't know how everyone else handles their concerns but I took mine directly to God. I needed him to tell me how I was going to make sure that I did everything I could to raise my daughter right. The only thing that continued to be brought to my mind was Him. It was the fact that I had a relationship with God. My mom was amazing and I wondered if I could endure what she did in raising me and do as good of a job and then God reminded me of the one thing she did that made the difference. She introduced me to Him.
I think my mom was amazing and she was my hero growing up but I am sure like any parent, looking back now, she has things she may have tried to do differently. But what I can say for sure is that growing up I knew God and I knew that a relationship with him was important to me. My foundation was built every Sunday in children’s church. My grandfather was a pastor and my grandmother served in the church as well. There were several summers where my mom sent me to stay with my grandparents so I could attend vacation bible school wherever they were interim pastors at.
I even remember a season of our lives when my mom found a church that was a little more her speed. God called her to a higher level and she immediately received that call. I knew God was important but then He became a priority. We were faithful Sunday and Wednesday attenders.
In these moments I developed my own relationship with God and I heard the call for myself. And although I had my struggles like a lot of teens, I still knew who I wanted to be and who I felt like God was calling me to be. That alone was why I fought for that girl. My mom did her best to fight for me but what she did that saved my life and made me the person I am today is she pushed me towards God.
I became a Woman after God’s heart with a strong will to fight fo me what I knew was right. To strive to become the best version of myself. Because of that I was not going to let the things that attacked me break me. I learned to fight for myself because that is the one thing that no one can do for you.
Realizing this gave me such confidence. It helped me to realize that who my daughter will become is not about whether or not I do a good job. It's about whether or not I introduce her to the Savior, the one that will call her and fight for her and give her the will to fight for herself. It is determined on the example I provide of my own relationship with God.
If I pursue God and let Him shine through me, she will see that. If I have joy and she grows up knowing that emotions don’t have to control you than she will have the will to fight for that. If I love on myself and embrace this body in front of her, no matter what it looks like in all the different seasons she will witness, then that will give her the will to fight to love herself. If I show her what it is like to be a loving wife, to a godly man then she will have the will to fight for that same fairytale.
If I just love God and let Him love Me, then she will fight to love and be loved too.
I can’t tell you that I have all of the answers right now. My daughter is now in that toddler phase and she is rocking my world. But I can tell you, I am no longer afraid of being her mom, of raising her right, or of the future woman that she will be. I have and will continue to point her to God and I trust him to do the rest.