In my life on a pretty consistent basis I deal with young single people. My husband and I run a mentorship program and although we primarily focus on helping people reach their financial goals, mentorship tends to bleed over into every area of their lives. What I see often is people longing to be in a relationship so bad. The most common desire in both men and women is wanting to find that person that is going to “complete them”.
I hear this so often, honestly I think it is the main driving force behind the people that I witness in a pattern of serial dating or even in the situations where you see someone trying to force a relationship to the next level that maybe shouldn’t or is just not naturally going there right now.
I remember specifically I had a ladies night at my home and there were a bunch of young women over. Some of them were married or in a relationship but the majority of them were single. I was taking the time to just pour into them about who God says they are and just loving on them. Closer to the end of the evening we got into more of a discussion/question and answer type of conversation. The ladies were asking me about my process with dating my husband and how all of it went. I was asked how I knew that he was the one. How I handled relationships before that. I am extremely vulnerable with people that I feel like God has put into my life and I am not afraid to tell them of all of the many frogs I had Kissed before I met and dated my husband. I also told them about what changed in me before my husband came along and how different our relationship was from any I had in the past.
Then I remember specifically one of the ladies saying with a sigh “ your so lucky, I can’t wait to find my completer”. And without thinking or even hesitating I said “my husband is not my completer”. Then there was a lengthy enough pause where there was some shock and concern on the faces of the ladies around me which caused me to realize that they had no idea what I meant. They were waiting to hear a confession that I was in the wrong relationship I think.
So I clarified for them as I will for you.
I am 100% sure that I married the right person for me, I am in love with him, the strength of my affection towards him grows everyday. I respect him, I appreciate him, he is my very best friend and he is my person. We balance each other out and the way I feel about him is not an emotion but more a daily action. BUT he is not what completes me or makes me whole nor will he ever be.
GOD IS MY COMPLETER
God is the only one that is able to take me and all of my pieces, and put it all together in a way that is complete and beautiful. I have never expected my husband to be the one to do this for me. But I do remember a time in my life where that is what I was looking for. Thus the frog kissing experiments & I am no scientist. I was just a fool that was dragging myself through the mud because I was seeking fullness from men that would never be able to give that to me. I know for a fact that I am not the only one. I know that this is something men and women do. Because we were made for companionship but somewhere in our minds we decide companionship is the missing piece that will make us no longer feel like there is this gaping hole in our chest.
The crazy thing is, is that I believed in God and thought I had a relationship with him which is why I had no idea that is what was missing was a deeper connection with him. At some point though I got fed up. I was so sick of the way seeking out men and relationships with them made me feel. I was sick of not only pursuing but I was also sick of the way I was pursued. I was frustrated that regardless of how good a potential relationship started it always ended with me feeling more broken and empty than I had before.
Not only had I been a serial dater but I had also tried to force a long term, off again-on again relationship to the next level and it just wasn’t working. I was heartbroken and I felt like I was suffocating so I knew that God needed to intervene. I realized that what I really needed was some intimate time with my father and some skilled patch work. In this season of pressing in to him what I gained was the understanding that I had more value than I realized. That I wasn’t damaged and worthless. I also realized that the longing that I felt on the inside, he was more than able to cure with his presence. I began to feel whole and confident. I was reading my word more, worshiping more and in these moments I could really feel him caring for me, loving on me. I became less needy and less eager to respond to someone that I could tell was just not right for me.
I put my life in God’s hands and focused on him. I became whole before I found my husband. So then when God presented him in my life yes a desire for him began to grow but it was more of a desire to begin my life with the person that God created to help me accomplish the goals he had for me here. It was less of a need and more of a want. I think what it came down to is that God knew I was finally to the place where no man was ever again going to take me away from a relationship with him. I was no longer looking for a completor rather I was waiting for a counterpart.
Relationships can become so broken even if you are with the right person when you are trying to force that person to make you complete. If you are seeking to be filled up wholly by your significant other that is a job that they will never be able to fulfill and you will be dissatisfied. It is not their fault that you are asking and needing them to do something only God can. You have got to understand there are parts of you that long for your creator and those parts cannot be reached by any man or woman.
You can ask yourself this, if you are feeling in your current relationship like there is lack, “am I requiring them to fill a role that only God can?”
I caution you though not to excuse yourself for being in a negative relationship by saying I have just required too much of this person. No sometimes you are truly just wasting your time with someone God has not intended for you to be with at all. You know if you are in a relationship that you shouldn’t be. If you think you are but you are not sure than you need to stop ignoring the red flags and read between the lines. It will become pretty clear if you are just honest with yourself. Please don’t let that come off as harsh trust me I have been there. I had to tell myself this when my long term boyfriend couldn’t keep himself out of jail because of his drug abuse. I had ignored all of the huge STOP signs because he used to be “such a good guy” and because I loved him so much. Not only was trying to force him to complete me, but I wanted to be the one that completed him and we just flat out didn’t fit.
This is what I know to be true, because I had realized what I was doing I was able to end the relationships that weren’t going anywhere and I was able to focus on God. Because of that when I entered into the relationship with my husband I was able to give myself to him fully. I was able to not hold any of myself back because I was broken and fragmented. I was being presented to him Made whole by God. Since then God has used him to restore my heart from pains of the past. My husband has been without a doubt a tool used by God to increase the joy & Love in my life but I am not naive to forget the source of it all.
It’s so similar to the way I feel now when I look at my Daughter and with complete elation I say “thank you Jesus” because although looking at her is what is making me feel this way, God is the one who gave her to me. This has led to an extremely blessed marriage. We both feel the same too, it’s not just me. Our first choice over each other has always been and will always be God. My husband has never distracted me from Him because we communicated early on that God would always be our priority.
I am not interested in a marriage that takes the form of Idolatry, where he becomes more to me than he should. I remember he is not my source, he is not my God and that has always just kept me so balanced. Yes I go to him to talk, to cry and to be comforted and he does such a great job at being there for me but mainly he reminds me to talk to the one who rights all wrongs. The one who listens the best and doesn’t play Mr. fix it he is Mr. Heal it and has always been.
There is so much more to be said on this topic and I have written much more but I mean to keep this simple because it is just that.
To all of you out there single or struggling in a relationship where you may feel like your not getting enough from that person.
THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE YOUR COMPLETER
Stop making God so jealous. Spend more time with him and seek him out to make you whole. When you do, what you will find is fullness in all areas because your not asking for people or things to do God’s job.