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Esse Quam Videri | To be, Rather than to seem

12/31/2017

    

In this life you can put on a front and act as if, when really glitter doesn’t have the same value as Gold it just adorns your outer layers and makes you shine. Glitter adds the appearance of value to any single item but it doesn’t always have the same class effect as Gold. Just because something shines does not mean it is all that it is trying to appear to be.

 

In all reality you could be a mess on the inside and still appear to shine. Don’t you know that when you hide all of your junk and put on a façade, you only further isolate yourself? You become alone in this world when you won't let anyone see who you really are. And if you never explore your true self, no matter how lackluster you may feel, then you will never find the motivation to buff out your rough edges, apply stain and gloss for a real true shine finish.  If you hide, you will only stay hidden.

 

You can shine on my friend for all of the world to see but this life has a way of exposing all of your dark sooner or later.  There will be those real life moments where you will be shoved in front of an industrial sized fan and every speck of glued glitter will fall to the floor and you will be left with true and naked you.

 

Or even worse and this is what I always think about. You could make it to the end of the road, stand before God and wince as he draws in a deep breath and blows off the fake confetti you have been covering up with that has done their job of hiding your secret ugly.  While you got so carried away in how you looked to others, now you’ll walk into eternity looking like a naked ugly fool. And that is who you are stuck with and that aint cute.

 

Here is the thing, I am not asking you to be the constant “Debbie downer” because on the inside that is how you feel. There are the times for everyone where it is necessary and appropriate to draw from your inner strength and put a smile on your face when that may not be how you feel on the inside. To me that is not being fake, rather strong. I am more talking about when you have issues and you know it but you pretend they aren’t there.

 

So no don’t be the person that when asked “How are you?” their answer can never just be “I’m good”. Instead put yourself together when you need to but do find someone that you can talk to. I am so thankful that I have found mentorship in my life because when I know I have things that I have been covering up - but I know it is time to handle it - I have someone I can trust to talk to about it. Still the work underneath the surface remains my responsibility. But to have someone you can be transparent with can help greatly while you are on the journey of becoming the person that you want to be, the person you have pretended to be on occasion. So I encourage you to seek out someone who is willing to mentor you, someone you can trust and someone who is in life where you want to be.

 

Now what about the issue of your bark, is it merely a loud sound that carries an empty threat? What does your bark say about you? Are you the person that always talks a big game but never takes the action to back all that talk up? Do you spout out all of this wisdom that derives from a dry and empty well? Ask yourself this, “Do my words carry any weight?”

 

I have always heard the saying, “What you do speaks so loudly that what you say I can't hear...” And that is definitely true for the people that really know you. Because the people that really know you can hear you and your perfect speech but know that behind all of that is someone completely different. So the problem with that saying is there is no accountability for those that are performing to appease an audience of strangers. That is what this generation battles with on a daily basis; the fact that you can justify your problems away when you have the support of all the Likes that you got on Facebook/Instagram that day.  There is no way for the unsuspecting bystanders to know if you live the life that it looks like or if you do the things that you say. So you can begin to feel really comfortable with who you are because there are people that technically approve, even though is the most disastrous form of approval that people crave.

 

I see all of the time people forming these eloquent words to perform a speech for this audience, when truly behind the scenes they couldn’t show you the product that they are trying to spark in you to produce. What dangerous ground so many people are walking on. Looking and sounding one way but living and being another way.

 

Trust me when I say that only the blind will follow such a person and only the deaf will sit around to hear what you have to say. Because when it comes to the people that have the ears to really hear you and really see you, they will quickly chose to walk the other way. I have always been that person that could call your bluff, and when everyone else was falling in love with fancy words there was something else that I heard.

 

I think knowing that I could see right through people made it clear that there were other people out there like me that could too. And for the ones that couldn’t I wanted to reward their trust with truth.  I haven’t always been good at this and to tell you the truth when I was younger, to be frank, I was a liar. I lived a double life for quite a while. I wanted so badly on the inside to be this good person that was an inspiration to others but I lacked the strength to say No to the world and I lacked the courage to walk away. So at night I would dance in the dark and during the day try to walk upright in the light and I did that for as long as I could. But eventually the dark smeared into the light and I could no longer hide. All my pretty multi colored glitter became dull and dark and I had to make a change.

 

I knew I had good on the inside of me and I no longer wanted to be a pretender and I wanted to stop lying to the people that believed in me. This process took time and it wasn’t easy. I had to do surgery on myself. I had to read a lot of books that exposed the ugliest parts of me but I will tell you it was the most difficult but rewarding process I have ever taken myself through.

 

So my challenge to you is to ask yourself this….

 

Am I Really what I seem to be?

 

And if the answer is no, that’s ok. I get it, I have been there and I know the pain that can bring to realize that. I hated fake and then I realized that was all that I was. So if you really want to change, you are going to have to dig deep.

 

What about yourself are you trying to hide? What are the things that cause you to continue to live your lie? Are you afraid of how nasty you really are, are you ashamed of the problems that you have been hiding from? Maybe you are just angry because the ugly inside of you may have been put there by someone else that hurt you. Most commonly people are afraid to dig up their junk because they are afraid of the work that it will take and they are afraid that they might not like the person that they find. I knew I didn’t like the Liar that I was hiding but I knew that deeper than that there was someone who was able to be honest know matter how brutal the truth may be.  You have to be willing to pull out the person you have been hiding to uncover the person you haven’t yet found. So find that dirty little thing (in my case Liar among other things) and deal with them.

 

Don’t be afraid, because in all of this you will go through some mud and you will get dirty. But if you have never been dirty than you are a person that has never gone treasure hunting before. For all you know you are on the verge of uncovering a buried treasure. Something in you that you didn’t know was there; your pearl that has been hidden down deep. It's never easy and typically it hurts to force open the box that says “X marks the spot” but if you do it’s the true you that will be unlocked.

 

Honestly it's up to you but I just wanted to be true. I wanted to be able to walk around with the confidence that I knew who I was, I loved that person and that is the person that I was giving you. I wanted what I did to really represent me and never try to appear perfect and I wanted what I said to really be what I thought and what I did my best to live by every single day.

I wanted people to believe my bark and know I’d bite & know that when I sparkle its not fake shine.

 

 

Resources:

If this motivates you to dig to really expose your ugly and give that part of you a makeover than here are just a few books that I would highly suggest that I know can help you along in this process.

 

Captivating by Stasi Eldredge: This book really helps you to begin to understand that value that is waiting for you to uncover it. It tells you the truth about who you are and whose you are and will help you to understand that God doesn’t make junk.

 

 

Get over yourself by Jennifer BeckhamThis book is your Shovel, trust me its sharp and will help you get deep but It will be one of the most liberating experiences of your life if you let it be.

    

 

 

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